I've been pondering lately... what do I really want to do? Why am I still pursuing my music? Why am I a photographer? Who am I doing it for?
Because it's bloody hard work. Both music and photography consume plenty of my energy and time, and I don't have an awful lot of that to spare, in between being a mum and a wife, (and a cat and hedgehog and bird feeder). And all of those things I want to do really well.
And then the answer floated into my mind like a falling leaf from a tree. I am doing this for me. And I don't have to pretend otherwise. And I don't have to perform to expectations. I don't have to do it the way other people do it. I just have to do it my way.
I say all of this like I live by these words. But there are days when I really don't. And my confidence gets sapped. And I am fragile and lost. On those days I ask myself why am I doing this? All over again.
Art is a tough career. Whether you paint, make music, take photos, dance... you have to put your heart into it, or else it isn't genuine. And a big part of me is that I am incredibly genuine. And I want that to show in the stuff that I do. But sometimes it's hard to put it out there when so much of you has been invested. And not everyone is going to understand it the way you do. And not everyone is going to love it, either.
Perhaps the answer, that I'm doing this for me, will help me to get go forwards, and help me to find and hold onto that wavering self belief, so I can carry on doing it my way.